And then, for the first time in my life, I believed him when he told me everything would be alright.
I understand. I do. I swear I do. It’s the execution that escapes me. I find myself unable to move or create a plan to get myself out of this mess. Only playing the situation over and over in my head do I realize the distinction in my being. The ability to recognize the problem and change it is a lot easier said than done. Just let it go, they say. But how do I let go of a thought, feeling… A fear? If humans had the ability to control our nature, wouldn’t it be a perfect world? If we were able to be the best we could be, why do I not know a single person living it? We will always be cursed with the humanness and sin that plagues our pure happiness. It is part of who god made us, and I think I am unable to escape certain aspects of ME. But no matter how good I am… There are still discrepancies between what is seen and the battle that lies within. Somehow the status quo has led me to think it is weak to be real. That exposing ones flaws or insecurities is equal to weakness and is unattractive. We are supposed to be strong and confident, always. But I can’t live my life that way. It’s killing me from the inside out. So I’ll try to live my life through my lense, not someone’s who doesnt know a damn thing about where I am, where I came from, or what I am thinking. So yes, I think I understand it just fine. That executing a perfect life does not amount to happiness. Understand that understanding is the first step to being fine.
Restless. The feeling of helplessness. Facing the inescapable realities that blindside you at your most vulnerable point: alone. Finite yet illimitable, thoughts avoided become numerous and overbearing. Too much to process in one perfect, quiet moment. Playing God with the power of justification; playing chicken with the real reason why. Drowning in the sound of silent thought vomit. Restless.